


Failure

by RPGwrites



Series: Bad Things Happening Card [9]
Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Depression, F/M, Heavy Angst, Negative Thoughts, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:02:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27973455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RPGwrites/pseuds/RPGwrites
Summary: Shepard failed to convince the Galaxy that the reapers come. All hope is lost. She is failure. More so she's worth nothing. Or that's what she believe. Battling these thoughts is her hardest battle.
Relationships: Female Shepard & James Vega, Kaidan Alenko/Female Shepard
Series: Bad Things Happening Card [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1831141
Comments: 10
Kudos: 12





	Failure

**Author's Note:**

> Prompted by Anonymous. Prompt: I should have been better. This is part of the bad things happening prompts. 
> 
> A big shoutout to [ soldiermom1973](https://archiveofourown.org/users/soldiermom1973/pseuds/soldiermom1973) for betaing. Thanks for all the help!

"Commander."

Shepard recognized that voice anywhere.

_ Was it time already time? _

She opened her eyes. She was still in bed and when she looked out of the window she saw the sun was already up. She groaned in the process not having the energy to face this day.

She felt like the weakest person in the galaxy.

Weakly she forced her limbs to work together and got her limbs out of bed.

"Commander open up!" James demanded. 

Shoulders dropped she dragged her feet to the door and pressed her palm on the holo lock.

But when the door slid open James only stared at her.

"What?" she asked after she had enough of his judgement.

"You're not dressed."

"Aren't you a genius."

Shepard was dressed in her boxers and an oversized shirt. The most comfortable clothes in the universe. Her hair was messy and had knots she knew. And she was pretty sure she had sleep in her eyes. But she didn't give a damn who saw her like this. 

"Shepard." He rubbed his temple miserably. "You have an appointment in an hour with your lawyer. You can't move it again."

That was true. Shepard cancelled many times. She just didn't have the energy anymore. For anything. Life was meaningless. What did it matter if the reapers showed up and destroyed everything? No one will listen. At least she'd die and wouldn't have to feel like this.

After staring at him for a while she just shrugged. "I'll be ready."

"Shepard…" But she already knew what he was going to say.

"Cut it out Vega!" she barked. "I'm not seeing a doctor because I sleep too much. I’m just tired."

James' eyes were in a fine line, "I never said that."

She pointed a finger at him. "But you're thinking about it."

"Shepard." She could hear how he felt sorry for her. 

"I said enough!" Her voice filled the room and James took a step back. "I'm going to jump in the shower."

* * *

The water was hot on her naked back. She closed her eyes. Tears threatened to fall but she wouldn’t let them. Not even in the shower.

Everything was too much for her. She wished she could disappear into a big black hole. She had all the time in the Galaxy but yet it wasn’t enough. 

Charlotte Shepard was weak. She was pathetic. But most of all, she was a failure. She should've been better. 

Another pointless meeting with her lawyer. Even he thought she made the reapers up. No one believed her. She was sure James' words were lies too. She failed to convince the Galaxy and she wouldn't ever be able to. 

She opened her eyes again and looked at the shower dispenser. Shepard gave another sigh as she realized it must be time to close the shower tap. She shrugged and closed it. 

Getting dressed sapped all the energy from her. She tied her hair in a buddel and opened the door. 

Steam came out of the bathroom and the first thing she saw was James standing in her room. She frowned. 

“What’s up?” she asked him.

“Commander.” She told him dozens of times not to call her that but he always refused. Why Anderson gave the post to someone so stubborn was beyond her. “Are you okay?”

She narrowed her eyes at him ready to snap at him. “James I’m fine.”

“With all due respect Commander, you don’t look fine.”

“Vega, you and I ain’t friends. Stop pretending we are.” She addressed him on his last name to prove a point. She didn’t know why he always asked her that. She was perfectly fine. Shepard didn’t need him. 

“Aye, aye.”

* * *

“Admiral,” James saluted Anderson before him and he happily returned the salute. 

“How’s the Commander?”

James smiled as Anderson said that. He wasn’t the only one that called her that. Shepard did the Galaxy good and how did it repay her? They threw her in the brig. 

“She’s doing good…”

“But?” James didn’t know how but Anderson caught it. 

James sighed as he took a seat. His palms were sweaty from stress. He didn’t want to go behind her back but what if that’s what’s good for her. “I don’t know if I should say it.”

“Spit it out Lieutenant,” Anderson barked. 

“I believe the Commander has depression.”

Anderson sighed and his response told him all he needed to know. He frowned in the process. “You knew?”   


It didn’t make sense. If he knew why didn’t he say anything? Why didn’t he do anything?

“The Normandy’s ship doctor, Dr Chakwas, had suspicions but the Commander didn’t want help.”

Defensively James stood up. “We have to help her!”

“At ease, Lieutenant. You can’t help someone that doesn't want to be helped.”

James sighed as he knew Anderson was right.

* * *

The meeting was tiring. More questions about what happened with the Alpha Relay even if Shepard told the story countless times. 

It didn’t matter. They always wanted more. 

“So what do you think?” her lawyer asked. 

He was a man in his late thirties. He wasn’t mean per se but he irritated the living hell out of her. She couldn’t take him. But he was the man the Council gave her. 

“I think no matter what I do you’ll just do the opposite.”

His eyes narrowed in annoyance. “I’m your lawyer. I do what you say. You don’t listen. This,” he pointed to the datapad, “Will be our best defense.”

“Look,” she leaned in closer and rested her arms on the cool steel table. “I’ve been telling you I did this to stop the damn reapers.”

Her lawyer laughed. “The reapers don't exist!”

“They do!” Shepard pushed her chair back. The sound filled the whole room.

The lawyer just buried his face in his hands out of pity. “We’ll pick this up next week.”

Shepard checked the holo-clock. They still had 10 minutes left but neither one of them wanted to be in there any longer. She narrowed her eyes. “Of course.”

* * *

All the energy was sapped from Shepard after her meeting with her lawyer. 

“You’re early.” James was too friendly for Shepard’s sour mood and she just grunted.

“Okay,” he shrugged, “suit yourself.”

Shepard just gave a very large sigh. “Do I have any messages?”

“No Commander.”

Shepard's normally stoic shoulders sagged. The only thing that could raise her mood at this point was hearing from Kaidan. If he didn’t leave messages in the last few weeks he certainly wouldn’t leave them now. 

She just went into her room and locked it. She ignored James’s strange looks. He judged her for being useless and lazy but she didn’t give a damn.

* * *

Another week, another pointless appointment with her lawyer. But this time James didn’t escort her to his office. Shepard frowned as the skycar stopped. 

“Where are we?”

“Shepard,” he slowly said. “Don’t be mad.”

“What the hell did you do?” She looked at him accusatory. 

He opened his door but she sat still. “You’re seeing a doctor.”

She breathed smoke. “What?”

“Anderson’s orders.”

“I don’t need a damn doctor Vega! Take me to my lawyer.”

“This might take a while,” he said to the driver and closed his door. “Shepard you need help.”

“I’m fine.”

“Look at yourself.” Shepard closed her eyes out of frustration. She couldn’t believe this was happening. “You’re not fine Shepard. Even Chakwas said so.”

Her eyes flew open with that. And she slammed her door open. “If it will shut you up I’ll go.” She got out of the skycar. 

“Good luck with her,” the driver mumbled. And James knew he would need all the luck.

* * *

With her bottle of pills Shepard got back into her cell. The words haven’t sunken in yet. 

_ “Commander, you have depression.” _

She couldn’t believe it. It made sense but in another way, it felt impossible. Shepard didn’t always feel as worthless as she did now. Many times she was happy. She felt like a failure because she was one not because of some chemical imbalance. She sighed as she popped the bottle and drank one capsule with some water. 

“What did the doc say?” James asked carefully. Probably because of Shepard’s wraith lately. 

“It doesn’t matter.” Shepard didn’t want to discuss it with James. 

“You know I’ll find out.”

That got her attention and she gave him one of her stares but her eyes dropped to the floor. “Then you’ll find out.”

And Shepard went into her bedroom hoping she wouldn’t wake up. 

* * *

“Shepard.”

That word brought the biggest smile to her lips. She missed the sound of her name on Kaidan’s lips. “You’re here. How-”

“Does it matter?”

Shepard frowned. Something was off. It was Kaidan yet it wasn’t him. She couldn’t explain it. Was it a side of him she never experienced before? “Of course it matters.”

There was a swoosh as the wind got stronger. Even the atmosphere changed at that moment. 

“You let people die because of this!”

Kaidan would never talk to her like this yet he just did. Even on Virmire he didn’t blame people’s death on her. 

“Kaidan… I’m sorry… I.”

“I could never have trusted you. And you kept on working with Cerberus.” The blame came and came. Shepard was absolutely helpless to do anything about that. 

“There was no option…”

“There’s always another choice! I’ll never trust you again!”

And he walked out.

* * *

Shepard shot upright trying to calm her racing heart but no matter what she did it wasn’t enough. Shepard hugged herself as Kaidan’s images flooded her mind. 

It wasn’t the first dream like this and it certainly wouldn’t be the last. 

She knew they were lies. This Kaidan acted very differently from her Kaidan. But a part of it believed it to be true. Kaidan might not say those words to her but maybe that’s what he thinks. Maybe that’s the reason he hadn't contacted her. 

But then it hit her. It wasn't her Kaidan at all. He believed she was a traitor. Someone who couldn’t possibly be trusted. 

Shepard sighed and swung her legs off her bed. 02:46 am. She balled her hands into fists. It was still a long time before morning. 

Her body wanted more sleep but her mind wanted the torture to stop.

Her eyes shifted to the door and bad thoughts flooded her mind. The only way to stop this is to… But she shook her head. Thoughts like this wouldn’t do her any good. 

_ I don’t want to live anymore.  _

* * *

The next couple of days Shepard just felt worse and worse. Nothing could distract her from the bad thoughts. Sometimes all she wanted to do was end it. But she would never give into that. 

All that helped remotely was funny vids. But she ran out of them soon. 

James understood. Or maybe he just wanted to stay away from her mood swings. He now knew it’s the depression. Yet that didn’t make sense to her. 

Why do I keep feeling worse?

The meds didn’t help. Shepard was a fool to believe they would. Even if her hope for it wasn't big. This wasn’t because she had depression this was because she was a failure. 

* * *

Shepard sighed as she looked at the sun rays coming into the windows. 

Where were the days where the sun meant hope? Now it only meant hopelessness and despair. Another day where Shepard’s own thoughts will torture her. 

Buildings were her view. It was a beautiful view out of itself but it all meant nothing. It reminded Shepard of everyone she couldn’t save and now the reapers will be here soon and there was nothing she could do about it. Shepard wasn’t strong enough. She was weak.

She squeezed her eyes shut as the negative thoughts flooded her mind again. Thoughts of ending it was always there. She didn't know how she could but she kept fighting it. 

She hugged herself as tears came at the corner of her eyes. She was desperate. She’ll do anything not to feel like this.

Well almost anything. 

Her head fell back on her pillow as she desperately wished sleep would take her. 

* * *

It had been weeks since Shepard got her meds but she only felt worse and worse. James had minimum interactions with the Commander. She always wanted to be alone. 

James carefully opened the door. “Commander?”

She was sitting at the edge of her bed staring at the window. The sun was starting to set. He had to wonder if it’s a good or bad thing that she stared it down.

“Yes.” It was barely audible but at least this time Shepard hadn’t snapped at him. 

James was at a loss for words he didn’t know what was the best way to approach her with this. “Are you okay?”

She turned around and saw him. Her eyes were red from all the crying. This told him one thing: Shepard was in a very bad place. She didn't care who knew how bad she was doing. 

“No, I’m not.” She admitted. 

She shocked him. Never in a million years did he think Commander Shepard would admit that. Definitely not to him. 

“I think you should see the doctor. ASAP.”

That went much easier than he thought. 

Shepard stared at him for what felt like forever and then nodded. “Okay. I’ll go see him. Can you leave me alone now?”

James slowly nodded. Not being sure if it was the best thing to do. 

As he closed her door a fear settled in. 

_ What if she does something she shouldn’t? _

* * *

“Lieutenant, how have things been?”

“Shepard has been doing worse.” James reported. 

Anderson only nodded slowly. “I know the Commander has been giving you a hard time.”

“I understand she needs help,” James said as he took a seat. 

“Agreed.” Anderson stood up and stepped towards the window. “She has done a lot. The Galaxy owes her a lot. But her trail will be long and hard.”

James only nodded even though it was impossible for Anderson to see the nod. 

“Does she have an appointment?” Anderson looked back at James. 

“Yes Admiral. The Commander will see the doctor this afternoon.”

“Good.”

* * *

Shepard sat in her chair at the doctor’s office. Getting up and dressed this morning took everything out of her. All she wanted to do was sleep. Couldn't the Galaxy at least give that to her?

James was sitting next to her keeping an eye on her. She knew the look he gave her. He judged her.

Nobody dared to call her lazy but that was exactly what she was. She was weak and pathetic. All that she felt she needed to feel. She deserved this. 

“Commander Shepard,” the secretary called her and with that all the negative thoughts disappeared but Shepard knew they would be back. “The doctor is ready to see you now.”

“I’ll wait for you here Commander,” James said. 

Shepard nodded and stepped into the office. 

“Shepard.” The doctor looked from his datapad. “How are you?” The doctor was far too friendly for Shepard’s taste.

_ Life has no meaning and everything is falling apart.  _

But Shepard knew she couldn’t give that answer. 

“I’ve been good,” she lied. 

“How are the meds?” He looked at his notes. Probably what he wrote down the last time they spoke. 

“Well I’m not feeling any better,” the sarcastic answer came. “Each day I’m feeling worse and worse.”

A frown settled on the doctor's features. "We'll need to get you off those meds immediately and see what can work for you "

That was just the beginning of a very long journey for her. 

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to come and say hi on [ Tumblr ](https://rpgwrites.tumblr.com/).


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